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CHAPTER 1

My heart was beating against my rib cage as I stared over the cliff edge. The moonlight glinted off the water below, but that’s not what I was thinking about. I imagined missing the water altogether and splatting like a ripe tomato against the rocks. They all said it was safe, but with my coordination, I was pretty sure I could find a way.

Hoping I could keep at least a hair of dignity, I stood at the ledge another few seconds, but I had already made up my mind. I was not going to jump, no matter what Becky Sanford said. I hoped that stepping away from the ledge would allow my pulse to slow and my face to regain some color.

It was stupid of me to put myself in this type of situation again. I had done it before, and it never ended well. Heights were not my thing, along with about another hundred fears. Becky had told me once that I was the least fun friend she had. I think the only reason that she ever invited me to these types of things was to have someone to make fun of.

“It’s mind over matter, Symone. You can do it!” Saul said from somewhere behind me. His reassuring tone was warm and encouraging. I could always count on Saul to be my biggest cheerleader, even when no one else was on my side. My feet scraped the rock as I shied away from the edge that overlooked the blue diving hole. Like a whimpering dog, my puppy eyes found Saul’s in the crowd as I turned. I could hear the snickering of Becky’s gang as they realized that, once again, I had chickened out.

I adjusted my green swimsuit top and held eye contact with Saul for an extra second. I would have liked to avoid the group, but that wasn’t going to be an option. Like an idiot, I stood there without saying anything for another few seconds. I looked at the ground as I began to walk through the parting crowd.

I didn’t have to see their faces to know that they were all staring at me. It’s possible that some of them might have had pity on me in other circumstances, but under Becky’s iron rule, no one could show any sign of empathy. This is why most weekends I stayed home and read. The exception I had made for the first day of summer was obviously a mistake.

“We’re not actually surprised, Symone. No one actually expected you to actually jump. You’d actually have to have a backbone to do that.” Becky said with a note of sarcasm. Becky had been a thorn in my flesh since freshman year. She smiled deviously as her lips pressed into a thin crooked line. “Just in case you’re wondering, this is what it actually looks like.”

Becky turned and ran toward the cliff edge. Naturally, she looked awesome in her red-striped bikini. It made me wish for her to trip and smash her perfect face on the rocks. All the guys standing around were no longer looking at me. They closed the gap I had passed through to watch her as she dove. She leaped with grace off the cliff and formed her body into a swan as she split the water below like a competitive diver.

I could feel angry heat rising in my throat. This was supposed to be a fun night with my friends. The first day of summer always was. Now that school was out, I had no excuse for skipping these types of get-togethers. That was one of the main reasons I hated summers.

I watched with bitter jealousy as a group of mostly hot guys, also known as lemmings, jumped from the cliff and splashed into the water thirty feet below. Becky’s brother, Jake, was the last of her crew to jump.

He stepped to the edge and turned toward me. My heart jumped a little as he looked me directly in the eyes. I grinned stupidly as if I had suddenly forgotten how to operate my own face. Though I knew it wouldn’t happen, I hoped he might say something. I stopped breathing for a short second, felt my mouth go dry, and for some reason, clenched my buttocks. Nervousness does strange things. I guess it was an involuntary response to being noticed by my long-time crush.

He playfully grabbed his nose and held it as he stepped off backward from the ledge. He was gorgeous, but I knew very little about him, other than everything he had ever posted online, every profile picture he had ever taken, and exactly what time of day he would be walking down any given hall at school. Twisting like it was nothing, he hit the water with exquisite form.

I tugged at my top again, wishing it looked a little more like Becky’s. Saul stepped toward me slowly and lowered his head to look into my eyes. They were still locked on the ground, but he broke my gaze. Not wanting to talk, I looked off at the night sky as screams of excitement and the sound of splashing found their way up the rock face from the swimming hole below.

“You should go down there. You’ll have more fun with them,” I said. Saul huffed and waved his hand dismissively.

“Would you like fries with that order of self-loathing?” Saul asked. I smiled, but it didn’t saturate my eyes. He had a knack for cheering me up, but I preferred to continue to soak in my secret recipe of depression and self-hatred.

I turned away from him, thinking that I might cry. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d seen me cry, but I had hoped this night would end differently. Why couldn’t I just do it? It should be so easy. I was madly jealous of Becky, which made me hate myself that much more.

“I think I’ll go home,” I said. I sounded more like a squeaky door than a 17-year-old girl. I never liked my voice much, but it is even worse when I get mopey.

“Yeah, me too. This spot is pretty much played out,” Saul said, intentionally overdoing it. He stepped forward and put his arm around me. I fought back my anger, which seemed to be trying to crawl up my throat like an angry groundhog. We continued toward my car.

A night bird whistled a song as we passed by a single tree. Tall grass stood neck high on either side of the footpath. We slowed when we got near the car that was parked in the pasture.

My 1992 Nissan Stanza was a gift from my parents when I entered high school. It looked like a heap of junk parked next to Becky’s new Mustang and the various other shiny cars that belonged to my classmates. I noted the comparison, but my mind was still on Becky’s mean words.

“Geez! She looked amazing in that swimsuit,” I said.

“Envying the enemy?” Saul said with a smirk.

“She’s not the enemy. I am.” I replied, knowing now that the tears were on their way. I could try to stop them, but I knew from experience that it only caused those ridiculous, bouncy, sobbing fits. I’d rather just get it out and be done with it. Little wet spots started to form around the corners of my eyes.